The Wilderness

I'm currently reading a book, Against Medical Advice. It's about a boy growing up with Tourette's and OCD; but that's not important. Something this kid said, for he is the narrator, bothered me. Well, let's put it this way, it didn't bother me, per se, so much as it sparked deep cogitation and thoughtful enterprise.

In chapter 54 or 56 or so, this kid is sent away to wilderness camp because he is a chain smoker and alcoholic.

As an aside, I don't care if my child is born with a foot up his ass and teeth coming out of his forehead; I would never let him smoke at 13 and start drinking at 15. Anyway...

At this camp, there are other troubled teens and, the way he describes it, a great number of them were problem children who had run afoul of the law. During his stay here, the kid describes how the wilderness camp was a very restorative journey that removed his need to both drink and smoke. He also described how other children were helped by it too.

Here's what bothers me, though, and is the kind of back-assward thinking I do on the daily. When I head into the wild for a weekend or a week, I experience the opposite of what I should. When I sleep on the hard, compact earth, when I'm only separated from elements and animals by a thin piece of nylon, when I'm eating food from a bag and what I can catch, I am more at peace, tranquil, and alive.

I've spent a week a Yosemite, suffering mosquitoes, bears, raccoons, and frigid temperatures, and yet, I think back on that experience fondly as I think of the most refreshing and complete sleep I've had in years. I awoke every morning as the sun broke over the mountains feeling refreshed and energetic. What the hell? I have a $500 technologically advanced mattress, climate control, and a bug free environment in which I sleep at home. So what gives?

Maybe we're not meant to live this way.

What if, and bare with me here, we are denying a fundamental need to our psyche to be at peace through which we receive from our connection to nature? We've spent so long fighting nature and perhaps nature is the key to our sanity. Ever noticed how people are becoming more impatient, ruder, angrier, grumpier, etc. Maybe it's because they are more and more separated from nature? Maybe it's because we share something with nature that we are denying ourselves with technology? Maybe our discontent is because we are trying to fill a nature hole with a technology peg.

Consider this:

iRan, iRaq...iPhone.

Apple is a terrorist organization.

Why I will, unfortunately, be voting "Yes" on Prop. 19

1.) Prop. 19 will generate taxes in the range of 1.4 billion.

2.) Legalization of marijuana will go a long way towards reducing the amount of illegal drug trafficking from Mexico

3.) Less drug traffic means less money for Mexican cartels.

Why I don't want to vote "Yes"

1.) Now that it's legal to smoke in your home, I have to smell that shit and there isn't anything I can do about it. Whereas before, if you smoked in your home, you did your best to hide it.

2.) California is a non-smoking state. Tobacco smoke laden clothing is just as bad as marijuana smoke laden clothing.

3.) I hope the $50 tax is high enough to deter people from using their welfare check.

Wait a tick...

I just had a thought.

Let's say Prop. 19 passes and makes it legal to possess 1 ounce of marijuana for personal consumption. Now lets say that I don't want to pay a $50 tax, so instead, I head over to my buddies house and purchase an ounce from him because, under the new law, he can grow plants in his house. Now it's legal for me to carry 1 ounce and I just avoided paying the State of California a $50 tax. Hell, why don't I just grow my own plants and never pay the State of California. How does that generate taxes? It doesn't.

So, in reality, all this bill is doing is allowing people to smoke and mostly eliminating the need for an illegal marijuana trade from Mexico. However, we still need border patrol to check for other narcotics and to stop human smuggling. So what are we really voting on here? Allowing people to smoke?

I changed my mind. I will be voting "No."

Consider this:

If you're going nowhere, are you actually going no where or are you just now here.

Consider this:

People who reject the physical for the mental or the mental for the physical rarely realize how much they depend on those who have that which they neglected.

Consider this:

We wouldn't be having a discussion on government health care, pollution control, and waning natural resources if people stopped copulating. But, we can't talk about that because it's not the people's fault they can't learn that the juice coming out of their penis makes more people.

Consider this:

An honest word is hard to come by these days.

Proposition 8: Part 1

Let's set some ground rules before we begin:

First: Read the whole thing through. Nothing is more infuriating than taking words out of context and although wild accusations and suppositions take place, perhaps they are put there to get you thinking about the argument as whole, not just a right and a wrong side.

Second: Regardless of your what your stance is on the issue, don't let that clutter your thinking. Approach this read with as much ambiguity as you possibly can.

Finally: Consider this:

Proposition 8 has tentatively passed. There are some cheers and some boos and a lot more quiet onlookers. Yet, out of all of this, some things strike me as remarkable. Firstly, the very liberal people of California voted down the right for homosexuals to marry. Secondly, a very committed group of people urged the judicial system to weigh in on the validity and the constituionality of proposition 8. Finally, this has happened before.

Let's start with the third statement first as, I find, it's always good to know your history. In a bygone era, many states passed into law laws prohibiting interracial marriage. However, Supreme Court rulings concluded the laws to be unconstitutional and they were struck down. In 1967, before the Supreme Court rulings, 70% of Americans polled opposed interracial marriages. Now this statistic may be an accurate depiction of American beliefs, at the time, or it might be skewed. I don't have access to the method used to poll American's or the sample size and, therefore, I can't, with absolute certainty, say that this is a valid statistic. However, for the sake of argument, let's take this statistic as a valid statistic and explore its meaning.

Most of us, generally speaking, would look back on the 60's as a time of oppression and dogmatic thinking. However, it was also a time of exploration and new thinking for a younger generation. It is this younger generation, I believe, that comprises this 30% of Americans that support interracial marriages. So, the question I would propose is this: if 70% of the country opposes interracial marriages, but 30% of the country supports it, how long, if at all, will it take for 30% to turn into a majority given how the demographic of the United States of America is changing on a daily basis? Furthermore, and now we're getting into a little philosophy here, is the United States of America truly a country or nation in the classic sense?

I'll get into that second question momentarily, but first, lets consider the changing demographic that is the make-up of North American society. Every year approximately 1.2 million legal and illegal immigrants arrive in the United States and, every year, the United States issues approximately 900,000 permanent residency visas which far outweighs out-migration and deaths. Now let's take our 1967 example. In 1970, the number of immigrants living the United States was 9.6 million and the number has steadily risen to approximately 28.4 million in 2000. That's approximately 9.5 million immigrants per decade in addition to the increase in native population and the increase in population from immigrants whose children were born United States citizens. So, given this population bloom, how long before 30% becomes 51%? How long before the minority becomes the majority? Not very long. OK, but so what? What does that prove? That we should stick around and wait until there are enough homosexuals and homosexual supporters around to change public opinion? Not exactly, this leads me to my next point; is the United States of America truly a nation?

The dictionary defines a nation as: a large body of people, associated with a particular territory, that is sufficiently conscious of its unity to seek or to possess a government peculiarly its own. What is "sufficiently?" As far as I can remember, the United States has been marred with questions about its unity from day one. Are we a part of Britain? No; American Revolution. I like slaves and you don't; Civil War. Drinking? Absolutely not; Abolition. And so on and so forth. The United States has been marred by questions of its unity for all of its 234 years. But why? When we examine other nations in history, yes, we find strife, but we also find a level of unity and of consistent thought. So how is it, in a such a short expanse of time, that we've managed to break away from another country and break away from each other and still get away with calling ourselves a nation? The United States is not a nation and this is where, I feel, the disparity of thinking arises.

We have a flag, an emblem, a leader, a system of government, a military, a navy; we look and smell like a nation of people, but we aren't. The United States is a hodge-podge, rag-tag group of immigrants that were forced together out of very different and dogmatic ways of living in the hopes of carrying on a better life. Somewhere along the way, people began to think that they were the natives and, suddenly, this cycle of majority and minority that the immigrants attempted to escape has become a part of their life again. America's demographic is constantly in motion and the immigrant of yesterday, is the native of today. To think of ourselves as a nation is something to be met with confusion. The United States is a collective of people trying to live the life they want to live and they want their children to live. But therein lies the problem, in the pursuit of happiness, others are made unhappy. So who should prevail? No one. The United States has set laws preserving the rights of its people and the justice system is blind, so to speak, in their use.

This thought of the United States as a country is a dangerous one. If, on one hand, we want to be a nation, then the overturning of a voted proposition is blasphemous. Where is the sufficient unity? On the other hand, if the United States is a collective, than it is the duty of the justice system to protect the rights of the minority from the prejudices of the majority. Now I'm starting to get into the first statement: the very liberal people of California voted down the right for homosexuals to marry. I believe part of the issue that has arisen from this conflict is that some people view the United States as a nation and others view it as a collective.

To be continued.

Consider this:

Instead of being the world's greatest Guitar Hero player, why don't you pick up a real fucking ax. Douche.

Consider this:

Why is it called the projects? Whose project are these people? It's a fucking ghetto.

Beauty

Beauty ignites the senses

Brighter than words can tell

Beauty ignites the intent

Of minds filled with hell

Tearing down curtains of grace

Smiling in our face

Terrible things happen to the holy

Only to ignite our folly

Like a circle above our head

Or horns in its place

Which is why our visage

Remains plain to our race

Beauty ignites the senses

It fills us with hell

Beauty ignites the senses

And keeps us in our shell

Ass-Hole Thoughts

1) People pay other people for their sperm. Perhaps paying people to be chemically castrated might catch on and solve some issues.

2) I would like to see the '3 strikes, you're out' policy applied to abortion clinic's clients.

3) Why are people of clout adopting all these children from other countries when the foster system in America is so laden with children, that they aren't receiving the education, attention, or life they deserve?

4) Why has patriotism become a bad thing? Love of country doesn't stop because it's leaders are morons or because you want to be sensitive to the exchange student from Germany. Fuck that, which leads me to my next point.

5) Political correctness needs to take a hike; stereotypes are a good indicator; and if you have something to say to someone, say it to their face. Don't get on Facebook and update your status about it.

6) Don't give me shit because I drive a truck that gets 7mpg and try to make me feel guilty about it. Every day, 1 human expels .9 kg of CO2 and 1 gallon of burned gas expels 8.8 kg of CO2. So, if we got rid of 1 million people, probably by not producing them in the first place, we could burn 100,000 more gallons of gas every day. You don't see that figure floating around everyday do you?

7) Legalize all drugs, tax them, and use that money to fund a health care system for people who don't take drugs.

8) Who gives a shit if gay people want to live together and marry? Let them adopt all the kids who have had the misfortune to be born into the foster system in America and who are overlooked for some Ugliblahblah kid that gets better press. Then, provide them health care payed for by their heroin addicted, tweaked out birth mother.

9) The world will go on without me; but, while I'm here, I will continue to bitch about it.

10) If someone shipped porn and laughter to the middle east, things might calm down a bit.

Healthy Living

Anthropophagy has been on my mind lately or, more plainly, cannibalism.

It seems to me that if you're a cannibal living in modern times, humans would be a dietary disaster. Consider the intoxicating levels of soda, mass produced junk food, and genetically modified things we shove down our throats each day. Think back on it, I can't remember the last time I ate something that other people eat that wasn't tainted with human fiddling. The fruit in the store has been fiddled with, the vegetables have been fiddled with, and even good old bread has been manipulated in some way. So, thinking on this and the general assumption that most humans throw dietary consideration out the window, how healthy could a cannibal actually be?

Well, let's reconsider. I live in the United States and therefore, on any given day, people could be consuming any manner of chemical concoction that McDonald's has dreamed up, but what about some place like Africa?

Ahh...Africa; the cradle of civilization, if you will. On a side note, cradles often contain babies which, by knowledge of the taste of veal, we can assume are rather tasty. However, back to Africa; land of fruits, nuts, and lions. It seems to me if you were in the market for a tasty human steak, Africa would be the place to find it. Many of the inhabitants of inner Africa have never actually heard of McDonalds or even a burger. Sounds like Africa contains some quality organically raised humans.

But, you say, I'm not a fan of dark meat. Don't worry, the Inuit Indians of the Artic have been preserved in the sub-zero temperatures of the north free from the genetically modified and distorted food found further south.

Thus, in conclusion, I find that although modern day anthropophagists may find it more difficult to find find a healthy bite to eat, good food can be had if you know where to look.

It's been some time....

I'm the type of guy that was raised that if I don't have anything nice or productive to say; it's better to say nothing at all. In a sense, I've taken this to heart. It has been quite sometime since I've posted anything here. The reason is, of course, I really had nothing productive to say and I rarely have anything nice to say either. As always though, a short amount of time spent listening to the world without commenting on it has left me with a few more things to say.

To begin, I must say a word regarding me: who really cares what I say? If you are reading this, enjoying it, learning from it, etc. then enjoy, learn, etc. but keep in mind that I realize there are thousands of people with an opinion and thoughts. Don't for a minute think I'm trying to preach a set of beliefs or thinking on anyone. I've come to the realization, quite some time ago, that, in regards to society, the pessimistic approach is often the most realistic. The vast majority of society, regardless of age, sex, political or financial standing, beliefs, or any other category in which we, as a people, use to seperate ourselves from one another, is like an adolescent teenager. You can tell a teen to not stay out late, to do their homework, to save their money, but inevitably, most will shirk the experienced advice given to them and fail. Some will listen to the advice and be the better human being for it; some will learn from their mistakes and listen to the more experienced in the future; and some will never learn from their mistakes and will continue to ignore the time tested advice and life lessons offered to them. Society is nearly identical. A man can preach a better way and he can plead a better way, but ultimately, a society will learn by failing or by never learning at all. So, in other words, I'm not here writing to change society or common thinking; because I can't.

I'm here writing because a thought is a terrible thing to waste.

Thought

Perhaps a human’s short stint in existence is meant as some sort of ancient cosmic joke. An immortal beings idea of sadistic fun; watching intelligent beings blink out of existence in what must seem but a moment to those beings of ever long. Perhaps our short journey is all our fragile minds can comprehend before becoming addled and broken. And yet, perhaps our journey through existence is meant to awaken our souls from the endless slumber of pre-creation; a journey meant to ignite our senses and free our spirits from imprisonment ever lasting.

What are we doing?

I was ambulating through Office Depot last night as I shopped for pens, paper, and pleasantry, and I observed a son arguing with his mother over why he needed a particular expensive backpack and not the one she was suggesting.

My first thought was of reminiscence of my own maternal arguments. My second thought was of pure insanity, however, and I did all I could to not laugh. Here standing before me with only a scant 50 or 60 years left was this overweight child arguing about a material thing that he would most likely throw out in a few years and forget about by the time he reached 11th grade.

Office Depot really put things in perspective.

Material goods seem to define modern societies status. The man capable of performing beautiful arias with a single instrument is set to the gutter in favor of the much less talented nabob with a large house and an over priced car that screams 'look at me.' Much the same way as the overweight adolescent believes that the expensive backpack will make him more acceptable to his society; when in fact, he was outcast the moment he was born to a lower class with less money.

In the midst of all this material goods talk, I realize something that is just utterly ridiculous in its concept but holds true for every example I put to it. Society hasn't changed at all. From the filth ridden streets of feudal Europe to the modern high-rise expanse of the Big Apple, a person's place in this world is purely based on their material status and that has been translated to the belief that acquired goods will raise a person's status and then finally, amidst the cultural and industrial revolution of the modern era, crass consumerism.

Happiness is another problem that faces today's society. Happiness has been linked to material wealth. A child's belief that an Xbox360 will make them happy is a false one. Throughout the child's life, he or she has been trained surreptitiously from family, friends, neighbors, TV personalities, movies, et cetera, that the newest gaming platform or the newest clothes will make him or her happy or will bestow more attention upon him or her through the adoration of those around him or her and that attention will make him or her happier, because being cool and loved by society is vitally important for happiness, right? Wrong. The Xbox360 might bring adoration and friends down upon that young child, but its the fleeting superficial kind; and when the newest Halo game comes out and that child doesn't have it, but another kid does, that child is suddenly going to find him or herself alone with their Xbox360 and three friendless controllers lying on his bedroom floor. That is, until they buy the newest Gears of War game and that kid with the Halo game will have three friendless controllers lying on their floor, and the consumer cycle continues because happiness is just a purchase away.

So, lets throw away all our clothes and our material offal and run naked through the trees spreading peace and love throughout the land. No, I intensly dislike hippies. Material goods do bring some measure of happiness, but its the kind of happiness that comes from the experience gained with their use. Buying a large TV isn't a bad thing, but the TV itself isn't happiness; happiness is from those sitting around you and the fact that you don't have to sit in each other's lap in order to see a little tiny screen. The Xbox360 isn't happiness either, but rather who is sitting around you playing with you.

This is hard thing to remember in today's society, where the swipe of a card can bring frisson so intense, that people can spend a whole day doing it. But, like drugs, the high only lasts so long and soon your back swiping again and again and again, until your life becomes an endless cycle of earn and spend and you are left with a pile of junk and no time or money to enjoy any of it.

So, what exactly has Office Depot taught me? Material goods are a false idol of happiness and societies happiness is a drug that must be purchased day in and day out. Makes me look back on my life and really realize what a waste of time and money most of it was.

If...

If your friend is sitting silently off to the side, and he hasn't said anything all night; he's probably uncomfortable with the situation and, if you were any kind of friend to your friend, you would rectify the situation.

If your friend looks uncomfortable as you eat your girlfriend's face, courtesy would call for a halt to any further PDA.

If someone has their blinker on, they are most likely looking to get into the next lane over. Be courteous; accommodate them.

If you see an elderly man using a walker and about to cross the threshold into a store, don't push past him and shut the door in his face.

If you come out of a store and find your front tire slashed on your asshole red 4ft lifted Ford truck, it was probably the old man.

If God created the earth in 7 days, maybe it's because he's had a universe of practice before hand.

If we are searching for another earth, but every possible planet we find just isn't quite right, maybe were looking at practice planets.

If God created Lucifer, he probably did so purposely to give himself and his creations purpose.

If Adam and Eve are the spark from which our race was born, but all the world expunged in the great flood of Noah's epoch; it is really from Noah that we should credit our race.

If the bible is holy and it's words the foundation of a religion, why is it that God only says 10 things throughout the whole book?

If you approach me one more time in the mall with religious rhetoric, I will verbally flog you...publicly.

"If man was meant to fly, he'd have wings," is a ridiculous quote and is akin to saying, "if man was meant to eat, he'd have forks for fingers."

"If I had a nickle for every time you said that." You'd have $465.35. Now stop saying that.

"If you eat your vegetables, you'll grow big and strong," is a lie.

Hiatus

Everyone needs a break sometimes; a break from anything and everything. In my case, I needed a break from myself.

I have, for the past few years, have been unable to go to sleep; and when I do, it is always an uneasy and wholly unfulfilling venture. The problem is not that I am not tired(<-- yes a double negative, bite me English dept.); no, the complete opposite in fact. I'm very tired, mentally and physically. I find myself slipping and making mistakes that I can no longer comprehend the reason for. I find myself slipping deeper and deeper into the realm of losing control, which has always been a fear of mine. It is the single reason I don't do drugs or drink alchohol. There I said it. In a society consumed with the idea of losing control and letting loose, as it were; no one can understand or will except my explination of why I keep myself wound tight; why I refuse to kick one back with them. Am I wrong?

Back on track. I never lose control and I never stop thinking; and because I never stop thinking, I never go to sleep. I lie down in bed in the serenity of silence only to hear the white noise of my mind as it parades through my head. Silience has become my enemy. In silience, I hear the noise of my mind and that is a sound I cannot shut off.

I realize now why Killswitch Engage and Rise Against calm me down. The stressful and fast lash of guitar string to pick siliences the noise in my head and I can shut down. People may look at me strangely as I lay peacefully reclined on an easy chair with death metal screaming in my ear, but they are not me and they don't understand what its like to have thought coursing through the mind at all hours of waking conciousness.

Speaking of other people, there is a distinct lack of empathy or sympathy or understanding on the part of people now-a-days. No one holds the door open; no one drives courteously; no one respects your personal decisions; and above all, no one respects you. Society is in such a rush to cram everything into a single day, that they no longer have time to respect any other motives but their own. Pushing and shoving and cutting in line to see a movie on the first day; Weaving and swerving and driving fast to get to no where in particular. Reminds me of a quote I once heard: A man was on a guided tour of the African safari, and the guide stopped the truck on the edge of a gorgeous view of the valley. The man went about stretching his legs and relieving himself and after a few minutes, he tapped the shoulder of the guide, who was leaning against the hood of the truck, and said "hey, we should be on our way, its getting dark." The guide continued staring at the sunset as it bathed the valley in its dying glow and muttered something about the truck having lights. The man spoke to him again and said, "but we need to make camp." Then the guide, still looking out over the valley, spoke and he said, "You city people are always in a hurry, going here and going there. Sometimes you need to stop and let your soul catch up." As far as I'm concerned, that's the most sage advice I've heard in a long time. I only wish more people would consider the blur they live on a day to day basis.

This was a bitter stream of thought post. And yet, somehow, I always manage to dig through the petty thoughts on top to reach the core issue that is bothering me. And, what's worse, the things that bother me; I can't change.

Reading

A passion I have long held that, after junior high, I failed to pursue. Not to say that I didn't read books in high school, however, most of those books failed to touch me as my own choice of reading did. Consider, however, that my own choice of reading was not a Danielle Steele novel or a sci-fi epic based on the Halo universe, but rather, Sherlock Holmes, Mein Kampf, Cities in Flight, Wraethu.

It hasn't been until recently, and by recent, I mean this past weekend, that I have been able to sit down, or lie down in this case, and really read a book for a good portion of time. I was at the beach, if you must know, lying on a towel with the waves breaking softly against the shore and a cool breeze blowing the heat of the sun away. I also had the good fortune to be one of perhaps a dozen beach goers, which makes for a very peaceful surrounding.

I was at the beach that day for three hours and I luxuriously read six chapters of my book before I decided to leave. But, it wasn't the fact that I read a book that was remarkable; what was remarkable is what that three hours did for me. It made me feel like the weekend had been a week. It made me feel like I had lived a very long time in a very short time. Time passed slower and the world seemed to slow down and linger for a bit so that I may enjoy it.

Back to the grind of work, cell phones, computers, TV, video games, driving, eating, driving, working, a few hours of sleep, and work again. How quick Monday disappeared into Tuesday. And lo, I've left my book in the car; a chapter at lunch might be nice. And here I am, an hour later or is it a day?

I have a clear memory or a clear perception of my childhood being very long and my high school and college years being very short. I would venture to guess this is due to reading. When I was a child, my father read The Hobbit to me. I believe I was four or five. I was transfixed since then, images of dragons and epic battles playing out in my dreams and in my head. I desperatly wanted to learn to read and by the time I was in fifth grade, I was reading Sherlock Holmes and Goosebumps and Mossflower. Reading was my vice and it often came ahead of my studies.

However, as I got older and entered high school, other vices came and more demanding studies. Friends began eating up time, video games, homework, and required reading that was as dull as the book shelf it had come from. Required reading that inspired nothing inside of me and was purely academic. This is what, I believe, ruined reading for me. For now, reading was a chore, a grating task that took my love and turned it into hatred.

I stopped reading for pleasure then and consumed myself with electronic and human vices. And high school passed quickly, and so did college. In my mind, my years in college and high school were very short and my childhood is stretched out and long like a length of taffy. Now again, I have rediscovered a childhood love and all the joy and time bending principles it once brought me.

In consideration of all of this, I have come to the realization that I live so fast with my electronics and my 3g network that the simple stagnant medium of an ink stained piece of paper might slow me up enough to enjoy the moment. While my video games and my TV might provide enjoyment, they are too fast and before you know it, an hour has gone by and I'm still moving at the speed of light.

Dedication

'Twould it be for naught
That I have tattered so
For when my progeny walk free
So it shall be on the ash of my grave
Given freely, freely given
For given free it was not to me
And so remains the gift
Of an epoch discarded