Hiatus

Everyone needs a break sometimes; a break from anything and everything. In my case, I needed a break from myself.

I have, for the past few years, have been unable to go to sleep; and when I do, it is always an uneasy and wholly unfulfilling venture. The problem is not that I am not tired(<-- yes a double negative, bite me English dept.); no, the complete opposite in fact. I'm very tired, mentally and physically. I find myself slipping and making mistakes that I can no longer comprehend the reason for. I find myself slipping deeper and deeper into the realm of losing control, which has always been a fear of mine. It is the single reason I don't do drugs or drink alchohol. There I said it. In a society consumed with the idea of losing control and letting loose, as it were; no one can understand or will except my explination of why I keep myself wound tight; why I refuse to kick one back with them. Am I wrong?

Back on track. I never lose control and I never stop thinking; and because I never stop thinking, I never go to sleep. I lie down in bed in the serenity of silence only to hear the white noise of my mind as it parades through my head. Silience has become my enemy. In silience, I hear the noise of my mind and that is a sound I cannot shut off.

I realize now why Killswitch Engage and Rise Against calm me down. The stressful and fast lash of guitar string to pick siliences the noise in my head and I can shut down. People may look at me strangely as I lay peacefully reclined on an easy chair with death metal screaming in my ear, but they are not me and they don't understand what its like to have thought coursing through the mind at all hours of waking conciousness.

Speaking of other people, there is a distinct lack of empathy or sympathy or understanding on the part of people now-a-days. No one holds the door open; no one drives courteously; no one respects your personal decisions; and above all, no one respects you. Society is in such a rush to cram everything into a single day, that they no longer have time to respect any other motives but their own. Pushing and shoving and cutting in line to see a movie on the first day; Weaving and swerving and driving fast to get to no where in particular. Reminds me of a quote I once heard: A man was on a guided tour of the African safari, and the guide stopped the truck on the edge of a gorgeous view of the valley. The man went about stretching his legs and relieving himself and after a few minutes, he tapped the shoulder of the guide, who was leaning against the hood of the truck, and said "hey, we should be on our way, its getting dark." The guide continued staring at the sunset as it bathed the valley in its dying glow and muttered something about the truck having lights. The man spoke to him again and said, "but we need to make camp." Then the guide, still looking out over the valley, spoke and he said, "You city people are always in a hurry, going here and going there. Sometimes you need to stop and let your soul catch up." As far as I'm concerned, that's the most sage advice I've heard in a long time. I only wish more people would consider the blur they live on a day to day basis.

This was a bitter stream of thought post. And yet, somehow, I always manage to dig through the petty thoughts on top to reach the core issue that is bothering me. And, what's worse, the things that bother me; I can't change.