ends

Optimism is the problem, I realize. No, I take that back; not optimism, but rather, eccentric optimism. Optimism, in itself, is a good thing to have. It wards off lugubrious thoughts and keeps depressive behavior at bay. No, the optimism I’m referring to can be found in varsity cheerleaders and it can be found, especially, amongst the spirit squad at your highschool. Well, of course, Ryan, highschool is a time to be optimisitic and look towards your future. Is it?

I remember sitting in the baking sun of my graduation listening to our valedictorian drone on, over her administration approved speech, about how we should look forward to our future and how we are on the cusp of greatness or some such drivel. But, what I clearly remember, above all things, was looking around and starring at the bored, heat-stricken student body as they eagerly awaited release from 4 years of, what most considered, hell, and, while I was amongst the “get me the hell out of here crowd,” I couldn’t help but think: “this is it.” Four years of my life had passed and I’m sitting here about to embark on the rest of my journey. It was just yesterday that I was coming to highschool for the first time and yet; here I sit, baking in this black polyester robe as this institution is about to birth me into the tax-paying, stress-ridden adult world.

At the time, I’m convinced; I was the only student thinking that. The only student thinking that four years of my life had passed and I had not even noticed it. It was then, after highschool, that I had a personal crisis and I was consumed with nothing more than thoughts of death, philosophical questions that had no answers that kept me awake nights on end, feelings of helplessness over the fact that all this, life, will end, and that the time I was given was it.

I became, nay, I gave in to, pessimism.

Pessimism is a horrific place to live. The world is dark around you and no light, no matter how bright, can illuminate the gloom inside of you. I know now what depression is and how inescapable it really is.

I carried on this way for 3 years. Life was nothing more than a bleak revelation and all I could see were the ends.

8 months ago, something happened though, as if someone had taken a hammer to the shell I was living in. Cracks of light began to appear, cutting through the gloom. I began, quite to my surprise, to smile honestly rather than to hide my emotions. I had a legitimate feeling of happiness.

This trend continued and from it, I gained a new appreciation, a new understanding of the world around me. This is not to say that I’ve shed my pessimism and I’m elated to be living. No, this is to say that I am at peace with my existence. It’s as if the depression I existed in for so long was a cocoon and from it; I emerged the better man.

I don’t know whether there is existence after life or if we are inevitably spiraling towards nothingness; but I do know, that life is too wonderful and strange to not enjoy. Yes, ends are a part of life and they are unfortunate, but ends keep this strange existence we reside in going.

As for eccentric optimism, it still bothers me. It bothers me on a deep level. When I look into another’s eyes and I see no comprehension of their own inevitable end, I almost feel pity for them. They don’t realize how precious their time is, nor the time they don’t have left and have already used. In the blink of an eye, they will be at the end of their run and they will look back on their life and wonder where it all went.

Regret must be a terrible emotion to die with.

Optimism keeps us looking forward, but pessimism keeps us looking back. Only when we see where we’ve been, can we really see where we are going.