Follow Up

This morning I received a chain letter. I abhor chain letters because they are mostly filled with mindless drivel. However, one letter I opened kept me enthralled until nigh on the end where it turned into meaningless chain letter nonsense.

The bulk of the letter was a story told simply with 5 pictures and a few words and yet; even with those few words. It was one of the most touching, saddening, and deeply moving collection of words I've read.

To say that beauty is relevant to the story would be a gross understatement. I find in these pictures and in these few words beauty enough to fill me with a deep satisfaction that I cannot explain.

I'm going to reproduce the story here. (with correct grammar and spelling)



Her name is Katie Kirkpatrick; 21 years old. To her right is her fiancée, Nick; 23.

This picture was taken prior to their wedding January 11th, 2005. Katie has terminal cancer and spends hours in chemotherapy. Here Nick waits while she finishes one of the sessions.




Even in pain and dealing with her organs shutting down, with the help of morphine, Katie took care of every single wedding plan.

Her dress had to be adjusted several times due to Katie's constant weight loss.

*missing picture*

An expected guest was her oxygen tank. Katie had to use it during the ceremony and reception. The other couple in this picture are Nick's parents, very emotional with the wedding and of course to see their son marrying the girl he fell in love when he was an adolescent.




Katie, in a wheel chair listening to her husband and friends singing to her.




In the middle of the party, Katie had to rest for a bit and catch her breath. The pain doesn't allow her to stand for long periods of time.




Katie died 5 days after her wedding. To see a fragile woman dress as bride with a genuine smile makes you think: happiness is always within reach; no matter how long it lasts. Life is too short to make it complicated. Enjoy it.

Beauty

Is, for all intensive purposes, in the eye of the beholder.

However, I wonder if there are not multiple levels of beauty? Perhaps, there is a level of beauty so deep that we hardly ever experience it and, when we do, we experience moments of pure elation and joy.

Yet, perhaps, beauty is only appreciated by those who let themselves appreciate it.

On the surface, the act of birth is not beautiful. Fluids and crying and all manner of icky things are happening when a new person is birthed and yet, in some deep way; birth is one of the most beautiful things to experience.

Not on a TV or through a glass, but first hand. To be present at the onset of a person's life on this world is an awe inspiring gift of beauty to those who can experience it.

Just the same, to be present at the end of a person's life, as they close their final chapter, is as equal a thing of beauty as their birth. The breadth and scope of life, taken in whole, is that of a deep and passionate beauty and something, I know, not many will experience.

Knowing

The movie bothered me on an unprecedented scale.

Despite the Scientologic and Catholic undertones presented, the plot itself deeply bothered me. Aliens and/or otherworldly beings select a few chosen to be the progenitors of a conceivably new race of humans living on another world. They arrive in space ships and ascend to their star ships with a gossamer outline of wings from their back.

So...let me get this straight. Angels are really aliens, who we think our angels?

I thought that they were angels, but to my surprise
They climbed aboard their star ships and headed for the skies
Come sail away, come sail away, come sail away with me

Religion has always bothered me how it seeks to seep in through the cracks and plant itself subliminally in the deepest corners of the mind. What I thought was an apocalyptic thriller, turned into a Scientology lesson.

Perhaps I am the only one to have seen it. It seems that the rest of my party failed to notice it. In fact, most of the movie was lost on others; something that I think is a good thing. Religion is a scary thing in the wrong minds and faith is a blessing most have yet to receive. To confuse the two is worse.

Depression

Today, I found myself amidst the throws of depression and I have been unable, as of yet, to free myself from it. Thus, I am unable to rationalize any thought or produce any written word worth considering.

Who

Why am I me and you're you?

I'm Tired

Do I exist while I sleep or do I exist because I wake from it?

Space and Time - Part Three

I don't think, given an infinite amount of time, the universe could ever, under any circumstance, create a yellow bus. Yes, a yellow school bus, complete with rotating wheels and and a flip out "STOP" sign. Yet, humans have in fact created a yellow school bus. So, where did this thought come from?

We already know that something cannot be created from nothing. So how is it that the yellow school bus came into existence. Where did it come from? Well that's simple, you say; someone thought of it.

My point exactly.

Someone thought of it. Someone, created a thought out of nothing and applied it to the physical world around them. This would then violate our principle of Creation ex nihilo. Well, you scoff; thought is simply the biproduct of our bodies turning food into energy, which in turn allows us to have thought.

True, but what then gives us the ability to create from nothing; an event that violates the principle?

To say that thought and creation are merely biproducts would be wrong; would it not? If that were the case, then anyone, anywhere, could have a developed a yellow bus and yet; it didn't happen. Why not? Because humans draw their thought and their creationistic qualities from their own individual energy.

If it helps, you can think of this as a soul. However, do not think of it religiously. This would defeat the purpose of this entire writing.

If thought and creation can bring forth new ideas and new anything into the physical world, then where did the energy come from for that creation?

Of course it could be true that humans have just evolved to turn energy into new forms and our purpose is realized. However, nihilism has never been a preferred philosophical state of mind because it's just too easy to fit all your problems in. While I can think and while I can postulate, I will always attempt to garner the truth and understanding of whatever kind of existence we may be existing in.

Space and Time - Part Two

Yesterday, I touched the surface of a hypothesis I have regarding an equal and opposite existence to that of our own. I am going to continue that vein of discussion.

In physics, we learned that each action has an equal and opposite reaction. The simplest way to imagine this is through the use of a sea-saw. When one side goes down, the other side goes up; an action and reaction. Through this simple principle, one can see that existence is a series of actions and reactions, negatives and positives, yins and yangs. In this way, if we apply this principle to philisophical thought, we can understand the philosophical world in an almost scientific manner of action, reaction.

To begin; if I was to ask what the opposite of existence is, most people would respond non-existence. While at first glance, this seems to meet the criteria of an action with an equal and opposite reaction; however, it really does not.

To explain; in mathmatics, if I was to give you a number: 1. Then I asked you to give me the opposite number. What would you say? 0? Certainly not. 0 is not the opposite of anything. 0 is non-existence quantified. No, the opposite of 1 is -1. An equal and opposite reaction to a positive number is a negative number of the same magnitude.

So, back to our previous question: what is the opposite of existence? If the laws and principles that govern our universe hold true, then the opposite of existence would be a non-tangible existence; an existence of energy. An existence where the tangibility that limits that amount of material in a particular place in spacetime is nullified because it exists outside the physical universe as an equal and opposite counterpart.

In physics there are two important principles that exist: Creation ex nihilo and Demise ad nihil: Creation out of nothing and Demise into nothing; i.e. something cannot be created from nothing and something cannot become nothing. These are two very important principles to remember as we seek to apply them to philosophy.

From a purely physical standpoint, all these principles are implying is that the physical world around us will never not exist, nor will nothing new ever come into existence. However, we come to the final question; the question I will cover tomorrow. If Creation ex nihilo is a principle of the physical universe and something cannot be created from nothing; what, then, is thought?

Space and Time - Part One

The laws of physics and math help us to understand the world around us. Amidst these laws and theories, lie several ideas that, I believe, help to quantify existence.

The first idea I want to talk about is space, or more descriptively, spacetime. In laymen's terms, what we learned in physics is that, no material entity can occupy the same space as another at the same instant. Seems pretty sound to me. My finger cannot occupy the same space as my thumb at the same moment. However, there is something, in our reality, that can occupy the same space at the same time: energy.

A wave is a current of energy. Waves can combine and move through each other which seemingly violates the principle stated above, or does it? We've learned that when a wave moves through a medium, the atoms and molecules that form said medium simply undulate with the current of energy and return to the same position as they were before.

Now bear with me, this gets a little complicated.

If energy can coexist at the same point in spacetime, but physical material cannot; this suggests to me that an existence outside our own physical reality exists.

Woah, woah, woah, hold up a tick; you're nuts. Maybe.

However, it seems to me that because tangible material entities cannot occupy the same space in time but energy can; that an intangible component to our own universe exists. A component that we have yet to or may never explore due to it's own intangibility.

This flows into my own hypothesis of an existence equal and opposite to that of our own. But that is another lengthy discussion that I will delve into tomorrow.

What are you doing?

I came to the realization, some months back, that existence coincides with purpose. To what extent I haven’t yet figured, but I feel they are intricately intertwined.

In the natural world, everything exists for a purpose. A shrimp, feeding off free floating detritus in the ocean, exists for the purpose of eating this free floating food and to serve as food for larger animals; i.e. whales. In the wild, the lion exists as a predator to keep other animal populations in check. But here is the thing; the lion, doesn’t comprehend that it is keeping animal populations in check. In fact, its incapable of comprehending, to the best of our knowledge, anything further than its need to feed to keep itself alive.

As observers, free from the society of prides, we are able to understand the lion’s purpose on the plains of Africa even though the lion is not. Of course, this is also due to our advance nervous system development and our own formidable mental capabilities. But yet; what then is the human being’s purpose? Can we know? Like the lion is unable to understand that his actions insure the African countryside will not be overrun with grazers, are we ourselves incapable of understanding our own purpose in existence?

As a human being myself, sometimes unsure of even that, I feel that purpose defines my inner motives. So often times, when purpose is not presented to me from an outside source, I make purpose. That, I feel, is the most important thing that makes us human.

Without purpose, what is the purpose of existence? Well wait, does there have to be a purpose to existence or even a purpose in existence? Why wouldn’t there be? The entire world around us, the universe even, exists because every part of it and everything in it serves a purpose. So then, the question resurfaces, what is the purpose of a human being in the universe. What do we do that serves a purpose to the universe?

We may never know. We may never want to know. I recall now a quote from one of my favorite movies, The Matrix. One of the “disconnected” is talking with an agent of the matrix, musing over how knowing the truth of reality is worse than the ignorance of not knowing. He states, “Ignorance is bliss.” I concur. The ignorance of not knowing our purpose just might be better than knowing the truth of it.

ends

Optimism is the problem, I realize. No, I take that back; not optimism, but rather, eccentric optimism. Optimism, in itself, is a good thing to have. It wards off lugubrious thoughts and keeps depressive behavior at bay. No, the optimism I’m referring to can be found in varsity cheerleaders and it can be found, especially, amongst the spirit squad at your highschool. Well, of course, Ryan, highschool is a time to be optimisitic and look towards your future. Is it?

I remember sitting in the baking sun of my graduation listening to our valedictorian drone on, over her administration approved speech, about how we should look forward to our future and how we are on the cusp of greatness or some such drivel. But, what I clearly remember, above all things, was looking around and starring at the bored, heat-stricken student body as they eagerly awaited release from 4 years of, what most considered, hell, and, while I was amongst the “get me the hell out of here crowd,” I couldn’t help but think: “this is it.” Four years of my life had passed and I’m sitting here about to embark on the rest of my journey. It was just yesterday that I was coming to highschool for the first time and yet; here I sit, baking in this black polyester robe as this institution is about to birth me into the tax-paying, stress-ridden adult world.

At the time, I’m convinced; I was the only student thinking that. The only student thinking that four years of my life had passed and I had not even noticed it. It was then, after highschool, that I had a personal crisis and I was consumed with nothing more than thoughts of death, philosophical questions that had no answers that kept me awake nights on end, feelings of helplessness over the fact that all this, life, will end, and that the time I was given was it.

I became, nay, I gave in to, pessimism.

Pessimism is a horrific place to live. The world is dark around you and no light, no matter how bright, can illuminate the gloom inside of you. I know now what depression is and how inescapable it really is.

I carried on this way for 3 years. Life was nothing more than a bleak revelation and all I could see were the ends.

8 months ago, something happened though, as if someone had taken a hammer to the shell I was living in. Cracks of light began to appear, cutting through the gloom. I began, quite to my surprise, to smile honestly rather than to hide my emotions. I had a legitimate feeling of happiness.

This trend continued and from it, I gained a new appreciation, a new understanding of the world around me. This is not to say that I’ve shed my pessimism and I’m elated to be living. No, this is to say that I am at peace with my existence. It’s as if the depression I existed in for so long was a cocoon and from it; I emerged the better man.

I don’t know whether there is existence after life or if we are inevitably spiraling towards nothingness; but I do know, that life is too wonderful and strange to not enjoy. Yes, ends are a part of life and they are unfortunate, but ends keep this strange existence we reside in going.

As for eccentric optimism, it still bothers me. It bothers me on a deep level. When I look into another’s eyes and I see no comprehension of their own inevitable end, I almost feel pity for them. They don’t realize how precious their time is, nor the time they don’t have left and have already used. In the blink of an eye, they will be at the end of their run and they will look back on their life and wonder where it all went.

Regret must be a terrible emotion to die with.

Optimism keeps us looking forward, but pessimism keeps us looking back. Only when we see where we’ve been, can we really see where we are going.

envy is a green word...

Long have I toyed with the idea of "blogging." The idea never convinced me enough. Friends have suggested a blog; I had dismissed a blog. The very word brought to mind a vision of myspacian teenagers spending long secretive nights camped in front of a computer screen as they chat, post, and disseminate their thoughts across the electronic verse.

That is an image I hold to this day.

Why then now, amidst the turmoil of a life following college, do I dare carry through with something that I have deemed for so long to be the cry of angst-ridden teenagers?

Because of envy. The simple four letter word has graced my lips and thoughts little in the 23 years of life I have enjoyed and yet; now, it fills the very core of my being and fills my soul with its foul stench. I can do nothing but think it, feel it, see it, and hate it.

To say that I am strong willed is an understatement. Quite simply put, I'm stubborn to the point of angry opposition. So I wonder how such a word as envy, and all that it implies, could uproot my life so completely...?

I think I have it. Its not the word or the actions it represents that disturb me so, but rather the source. It is a cold day amongst the living when you discover that your parents, the people with whome you placed your trust, your love, and your safety, are envious of you. So, I find myself, as the myspacian teenagers before me, sitting here in front of my computer screen disseminating my thoughts amongst the electronic verse. Perhaps in the vain hope that in doing so, my concious might cease its turmoil and allow peace and sleep to overtake my fragile frazzled mind.

I haven't had children yet, but it seems to me that any success delivered upon your child would be met with joyous praise and jubilation. Is it not, after all, the goal of a parent to raise a respectable offspring that will bring admiration and praise upon the family name? Maybe not. It seems I've read too many books that romanticize chivalry and the like. I should really stop. The 21st century seems to have no room for the ideals of former centuries' great literary works.

To say that I am bothered would be correct. To say that I am hurt would also be correct. To say that I look like I'm about to cry, vomit, deficate, and sneeze all at the same time would again be correct. Simply put, I'm unable to express how I feel and oddly enough, one of my very first thoughts: "I should write about it in a blog."